Misfits Belong
Dear Starlight,
Follow your feet in water to the answers to the unspoken questions.
There is a miraculous way that opens one step at a time simply by following your heart's desire. Of course, this is not simple. The mind must step aside; society's stories must be swept away.
Belonging is something I have been seeking for as long as I can remember being alive. Sometimes I find it. I've found it at the ocean's edge, looking towards an infinite horizon of sky. I've found it at the edge of the river looking towards ribbons of rock that stand taller than sky scrapers. Rocks that have been moving slowly into their place for millions and millions of years. I've found it lying on my back in a field of grass, staring into the night sky and watching other galaxies twinkle beyond time. I've found it with my eyes closed, submerged in a salty bath that smells like patchouli and roses.
I find belonging when I am alone.
I seek belonging in the company of others, and sometimes, I find it. I've found it in the eyes of others when we say "love." I've found it in creative spaces when we are busy writing, drawing, dancing, or acting. I've found it in my sister and son's embrace.
Sometimes I find belonging with others.
Lately, meaning a few years now, maybe forever, I have been describing a perpetual discomfort of not fitting into the shape of my life or, rather, the roles and responsibilities I've adopted as mine. I have shared this dis-ease with therapists, coaches, astrologers, family, and friends. I have been specifically using the language of "I want the form of what I do to fit me."
I keep a handful of words in my pocket, rolling them around, polishing them against one another as I seek to understand what I mean. Form. Inform. Income. Instar. Fit. Unfit. Misfit. I want my form to fit and income to come into that form.
When I spoke to the astrologer. She told me. “It makes sense you are worn out from constantly seeking self-improvement. Where your soul stars are located, you cannot see the light you are and your gifts. The good news is you already are who you want to be. The bad news is that you cannot see that. The difficult thing is that you have to accept this and the work is to stop trying to do more to become who you already are. The effort for you is to not try to change yourself.”
Ummmm…ok. So, should I start a meditation practice then? Will that help me be better?
When I spoke to my coach about this dis-ease her approach to help has been to reflect back to me myself. This has been powerful. Her mirroring of my unique truth has given me the courage to step forward in terrifying situations authentically. I am watching this slowly transform my life.
Of late, I have been choosing to move towards writing more. I am still uncertain how to write more and what to write. I only know I desire (with my heart) to write more. I am awkwardly attempting different approaches. A few weeks ago, I began drafting a story that popped into my head as a joke. The kind of joke that hits hard and you hear yourself laughing while tears that are not laughter well up because something about it is subterranean and dark. The first day I sat down to write it, I realized I had zero craft skills on how to start. I was like a person behind a wheel who had never driven before. "Wait, I don't know what to do?! I know the key goes into the ignition but that's it!!!"
I grabbed a handful of books off my bedside table and re-read their first chapter, then realized most were non-fiction and so that may be less helpful. One of the books by my bed is Lidia Yuknavitch's memoir. As I read her bio I learned she had written a variety of genres including YA and fiction. I decided to order her books to see how a writer of non-fiction wrote fiction. Looking through the titles I saw she had written a book titled 'The Misfits Manifesto' which caught my attention as the word MISFIT was one of my pebbles rubbing itself between my fingers in my pocket.
The book arrived yesterday. I opened it on my couch midday, exhausted from just returning from a work retreat, and began reading it. Our work retreat was the first I have run for the organization I created, Place Corps. It was designed to be a compassionate (and beautiful!) learning space to help our new team weave a nest of trust to hold each other and our shared work going forward. It was leveling up for me in self-trust as I shared vulnerable personal histories and dreams and it was leveling up in trusting others to be safe collaborators. As an avid introvert and hater of retreats, this was one of the most amazing times I have ever had with a group of unknown people.
As I shared some of my history, I felt swells of self-compassion. I also felt imposter syndrome. I heard: "You are not qualified to be the leader of an educational organization." And "The way you want to do things and the way you need to work is not the right way!" When I hear these voices, I sometimes listen, and create ways to do things that are not right for me because I think what's right for me is wrong. This is the way in which we co-conspirator to build lives that don't fit us. Self-distrust. There is a power of creation and of god within us. If I believe in free will, it is this, our power to make a creative choice.
Hiring a new leadership team and a finance expert for Place Corps are the beginning steps of me recognizing what doesn't fit me and carefully reshaping the organization around others' gifts. A new choice.
Coming home to the gift of The Misfits Manifesto was divine. I’m tracking it. A little treasure arriving because the week before in a tizzy of discomfort I chose to follow my hearts direction to write more.
Lying on the couch, hazy with heat and tiredness, I found myself belonging to a group of people, misfits, who are not just artists, survivors, or change-makers. I belong to a group of people that are recognizable by the fact that we never fit into the shape of society's story for us. Us, misfits. We have the capacity to reshape society and our lives creatively because our lived experience of never fitting in emboldened us to expand possibilities for all. We’ve never done it the way others have.
"We give something of value to the rest of culture rather than succumbing to our own misery, particularly when those around us recognize our value…there is nothing wrong with us."
We are instars. We are in stars.
We are stars reflecting back our light on one another.
Misfits fit too.