Dear Starlight,
New moon in Aquarius. How do you feel? Do you use the moon cycle as a calendar system? For the past few years, I have been utilizing the almost bi-weekly moon cycle to live with intention. It is a call and response. On both the full and new moon, I listen for inner guidance for intention casting, which I then declare as desires and write down. Then, during the two weeks between the full and new moon, I give attention to those desires. Sometimes, my attention takes action toward my desires, but other times, it is simply an act of noticing my relationship with them.
I heard a beautiful quote this week by author Daisy Hillyard from Shadowland;
"You're stuck in your body right here, but in a technical way, you could be said to be in India, in Iraq. You are in the sky causing storms, and you are in the sea herding whales towards the beach. You probably don't feel your body in those places; it is as if you have two distinct bodies. You have an individual body in which you exist, eat, sleep, and go about your day-to-day life. You also have a second body, which has an impact on foreign countries and on whales, a body that is not so solid as the other one but much larger."
This quote was read by author Naomi Klein during an interview about her recent book Doppelganger, which I am currently reading. Naomi Klein uses this quote to implicate us in the more extensive collective experiences of climate change, global economies, atrocities, etc. Interestingly, in Naomi’s book, she gives a hard push and shove at the ideas that have built the incessant need for self-branding and self-help, which Naomi argues are detrimental in multiple ways, mainly because it is self-absorbed energy that could and should be directed towards collective change-making. Secondly, she claims that branding is only successful when it is stable and unflinching but that humans are multitudes and evolve; therefore, attempting to brand oneself is an attempt to dismember one's whole self. She asks an important question; "What aren't we building when we are building our brands?" (More on this in another Sunday Circle)
On another note, the entire book is built on Klein's uncomfortable social relationship with being confused with author Naomi Wolf, who, over the years, has moved from a respected feminist writer on the left to a conspiracy theorist closely connected with Steve Bannon. This aspect of the book I am still digesting. It makes me wildly uncomfortable in many different ways which I may write more about this once I finish the book.
The quote of Hillyard registers for me similar to Klein's but in fewer doomsday ways and more related to what I say about noticing my relationship to my desires outside of myself, recognizing myself within a larger shared universal self, and finding connection with my desires rather than making or creating anew. This thinking aligns with scientific knowledge about matter and energy, formerly only spiritual knowledge. The understanding that everything is moving energy without separation; oneness perpetually changing.
It is difficult for me to express my desires to myself and others. It is even difficult for me to use the word "desire." These past few weeks have felt like I have been speed-dating boundaries and confrontations. (This may or may not be because this is the work I called in on the winter solstice!) So much so that it is almost comical in that genre of tragic comedy. I am learning that naming desires is boundary work. A desire is both a yes and a no. "I want this," "I don't want this". Yesterday, I watched this challenge unfold in a microscopic moment.
I woke up with a terrible headache and groggy feeling throughout my limbs. My period was late, lumpy, and arrived heavy with the new moon. My dearest friend was up from the city and had invited me the day before to go on an adventure that morning. I did not feel like going; I felt like staying in bed under heavy, warm, patchwork blankets. But my mind wanted to go because I wanted to see her, and more strongly, I didn't want to disappoint her. For quite a while, I over-road my feelings, telling myself I wanted to go. "It's going to be so fun walking through the muddy woods." Then suddenly, I realized if I really wanted to go, I wouldn't not want to go. I wouldn't even have that idea. I could examine my willingness to disappoint and even harm myself rather than possibly disappoint someone else. Then I recognized I could practice saying the truth, not even making a lie. I could practice sharing my desire. Despite the stakes being so low, I still felt terribly uncomfortable as I texted:
"Good morning! I woke up with a headache and my period, and I'm sorry to say I don't feel up for the adventure today. Please, let's try again!"
I believe one of the most extraordinary powers of the Patriarchy is its theft of both our ability to recognize our personal desires and our agency to safely declare our desires. We have all been mind fucked in deep psychological warfare. (Side note, in part, Naomi Wolf, not Klien, opened me towards understanding and grasping the evil effect of the Patriarchy in her less-known early autobiographical book, Promiscuities).
I am sharing this granular story of telling my best friend I didn't want to go on a Saturday morning trollop to illustrate how pernicious and challenging it truly is to be able to express my personal desires. This is why it is no surprise I've felt resistance all week toward crafting my Sunday Circle agreements. Resistance=Fear
This week, I was speaking with someone about a particular area in my life that I desire to change but that I've been frozen in action. I clearly see the next step needed. I rationally understand its purpose and even know how to do it, yet I continue to not move towards it. They simply said, "When you strongly desire something but don't move toward it, there is a need for healing." This little sentence ushered in tears and then a litany of self-deprivation. Do any of you do IFS (Internal Family Systems)? Well, those bullies who charged me after a good cry are outdated internal warriors trying to protect against further wounding. Staying frozen is safe until it's no longer, as Anais Nin so beautifully said:
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
She goes on to say,
"Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.
Living never wore one out so much as the effort not to live.
Life is truly known only to those who suffer, lose, endure adversity, and stumble from defeat to defeat.
Perfection is static, and I am in full progress."
This brings us back to Naomi Klein and her argument not to waste time killing ourselves by trying to brand ourselves and my fear of sharing my desires, but I am in full progress now. Healing is a vulnerable movement towards reclaiming our desire, thawing, melting, and messiness.
Below are my new Sunday Circle agreements. These are written as a living document that I will adjust as I deem timely. They are imperfect. They are progressing towards my desire to be in supportive relationships with my creative expression and community.
Sunday Circle Agreements
I want Sunday Circle to be a space to comfortably overshare, which is why I need and want the following agreements between myself and the readership (you)
My purpose for Sunday Circle is to write and share my daily life, inspiration, and ideas with a creative and supportive community. I do this as a self-practice, recognizing that routinely writing and sharing writing sharpens a tool and uses a talent that could otherwise grow latent. I do this as a community practice, recognizing the value of dialogical exchange, that truth is an organic understanding that grows between people in conversation. I do this as a love practice, recognizing I love writing. I do this as a gift practice, recognizing the value we receive from others authentically sharing themselves. I do this as a healing practice, acknowledging that writing is cathartic.
I aim to share Sunday Circle as an informal weekly newsletter on Sundays.
I ask my readers to support Sunday Circle in the following ways:
Reciprocate financially
Share my work with others when inspired
Cite my work when sharing it (images, quotes, ideas)
Seek my approval before teaching any of my curriculum-related material
Be respectful and kind in comments
Honor humanness by not engaging in cancel culture tactics
Beginning in March, I am changing Sunday Circle from a free weekly publication to a paid publication. This is so that I may allocate time towards writing that otherwise I need to “sell” elsewhere to cover my costs. The monthly price is two moon cycles, $28, with the option to pay according to personal needs. Readers may self-elect to pay in full as a founding member($336 1xyr), or ½ price as an annual reader($168 1xyr) or ¼ price as a monthly subscriber($7 monthly). Readers who do not want to continue reading Sunday Circle as a paid publication will still receive Vessel. Vessel is my older publication, which I shelved a few years back due to its then-untenable scope. I plan to revive Vessel this year as an annual or seasonal publication that harvests ideas from Sunday Circle for further exploration. Readers of Sunday Circle will inherently be first to learn of my public offerings and receive occasional Creativity + Courage™ exercises and materials. If I publish less than three newsletters monthly, I will suspend payment of subscriptions during that period.
Thank you for reading this weeks Sunday Circle and my new agreements, aka my desire to share myself with you in ways that enable me to do so freely.