I was never brave enough to be an art monster, but sometimes pretended and always kept myself in proximity to them. Maybe the thing I was/am missing wasn't bravery, but rather I had too much of something else. Too much approval bestowed for non-monstrous qualities? Too much ease at "passing" for someone without monstrous desires? Then motherhood. I never felt less like my monstrous-true-self than when pushing a stroller. I was not humiliated by my children; I was humiliated at being so publicly vulnerable, so publicly a mess, so publicly soft and subservient to the needs of my offspring. Never mind the ferocity of birth; our culture isn't interested. So the 3 stages before crone are child, mother, artist...created, vessel/medium/sustainer, creator. I don't know. 2020 opened up a crack and I pushed it open wider - wide enough to crawl through. I've been standing on the other side for about a year. I am aware of my daughters being witness to my process, whether or not they realize it. At a local gallery last month I chatted with the artist about her work and she asked me, "Are you an artist?" and I hemmed & hawed and said nothing much and spoke of my professional work. When we left, my 11 year old said, "why don't you just say yes?"
Curious how you answered your daughter? I love her wisdom and may she always feel emboldened to say "yes, I am". May we continue to undo the trappings that have had us stumbling and love ourselves along our way! xx
I was never brave enough to be an art monster, but sometimes pretended and always kept myself in proximity to them. Maybe the thing I was/am missing wasn't bravery, but rather I had too much of something else. Too much approval bestowed for non-monstrous qualities? Too much ease at "passing" for someone without monstrous desires? Then motherhood. I never felt less like my monstrous-true-self than when pushing a stroller. I was not humiliated by my children; I was humiliated at being so publicly vulnerable, so publicly a mess, so publicly soft and subservient to the needs of my offspring. Never mind the ferocity of birth; our culture isn't interested. So the 3 stages before crone are child, mother, artist...created, vessel/medium/sustainer, creator. I don't know. 2020 opened up a crack and I pushed it open wider - wide enough to crawl through. I've been standing on the other side for about a year. I am aware of my daughters being witness to my process, whether or not they realize it. At a local gallery last month I chatted with the artist about her work and she asked me, "Are you an artist?" and I hemmed & hawed and said nothing much and spoke of my professional work. When we left, my 11 year old said, "why don't you just say yes?"
Curious how you answered your daughter? I love her wisdom and may she always feel emboldened to say "yes, I am". May we continue to undo the trappings that have had us stumbling and love ourselves along our way! xx
"She was cursed with ceaseless passion. I relate." same. Same to so much of this. Thank you for writing Dawn <3
Thanks for reading Kate! Ah, the curse and the blessing of ceaseless passion!