I Believe

On choosing love

Dear Starlight, 

I believe in you. I believe in good. I believe in beauty. I believe in joy. I believe in myself.

I feel fear. I feel confused. I feel unstable. 

I believe in you. I believe in good. I believe in beauty. I believe in joy. I believe in myself.

—-

Fearful

Courage is an ability to advance towards desires, what we care about, despite simultaneously feeling fear.

When we feel strong, safe, directed, and supported, we can easily handle an insult, a stain, a broken glass, and a side-eye. But some days, when we feel fearful, it takes BIG courage to simply show up for mundanity. Brushing teeth. Getting dressed. Saying hello to someone. 

—--

I believe in you. I believe in good. I believe in beauty. I believe in joy. I believe in myself.

—-

I have been shook this week. 

I made mistakes. 

I stained things.

I broke things.

The trauma lying at the bottom of my psyche or in my belly swirling in agitation.

I have watched my readiness to take over responsibility and a desire to "pay the price" so that I could settle down with clear accountability.

But life is not as simple as that. The test is how we move forward when we can't make everything right.

How do we forgive or give ourselves and others good when there has been wrong?

—--

I believe in you. I believe in good. I believe in beauty. I believe in joy. I believe in myself

—---

I feel an impending change.

I don't know how to be ready or what I will do.

I feel scared.

—--

I believe in you. I believe in good. I believe in beauty. I believe in joy. I believe in myself.

—-

We have learned that my husband's mother is sick. We do not know what the treatment will be or what the prognosis is. She lives in Sicily alone. My husband is here and has a life that operates based on his daily physical routine. We have a partnership that is built on that predictability. But that is going to be litmus tested.

—-

I open my news app. I look at the world around me and see catastrophe striking the innocent and evil reigning in places where women, like me, want to wake up and watch the sunrise and feel safe, but unlike me, they are threatened with death if they dare to speak too loud. 

—-

We are being litmus tested. 

Some days it takes BIG courage to show up for life.

—-

I believe in you. I believe in good. I believe in beauty. I believe in joy. I believe in myself.

—--

I recently learned that to believe¹, means to choose. It is a freedom. It is our will. Most interesting is that in its deeper history, it means to choose love. 

This is what courage is.

We feel afraid, but we still choose love. We act with courage.

When we say, "We believe in good," we are saying, "We choose to love what is good." 

It is an invitation to find beauty where we can and to offer grace in a heavy world.

—---

I believe in you. I believe in good. I believe in beauty. I believe in joy. I believe in myself. 

—--

This week I have chosen to love myself despite fucking up and being afraid of the past and the future. 

Examples include painting my feelings, watching the sunset, walking long walks, showing up for work, and continuing to eat healthy. 

—----

Words have power. They are spells. 

—---

I believe in you. I believe in good. I believe in beauty. I believe in joy. I believe in myself.

Together, we choose love. Together, we believe in good.

Watch this bear. They are my icon of courage these days.

1. leubh-

Proto-Indo-European root meaning "to care, desire, love."

It forms all or part of: belief; believe; leave