Yesterday, we had a little gathering at my house for sukkot. Some friends met for the first time. I said, “Try to guess what she does,” and one person took a long look at this other person and replied, “Hmmm, aerial yoga instructor?” “So close” I replied. She is actually a scribe by profession; she writes and repairs Torah scrolls. Then it became a game to guess whatever everyone did to earn their keep. This is a dreaded question for me, as I feel I have spent 20 years trying to make my outside match my inside. It’s true that I hate being asked, “What do you do?” But I actually love to ask the question. Martha talks about cultural cover stories and this is how I think of jobs and the way we talk about them. I am more interested in the tone of the response than the actual answer. really what I am asking is, how have you figured out how to do work in the world and does it match all the dreamy, changing, inner-workings happening inside of you? I am asking do you have an answer to this question and if so, what is your relation to the answer?
After I wrote last weeks post, I kept thinking about my visceral reaction to this question and my determination to knock it down. Currently, I am far away from my home. Anyone I meet asks this question after asking my name. I say sort of shyly "artist" then I watch them scan their minds and usually they follow up with "What do you make?" I stumble. I want to connect but I haven't had a simple answer on hand (ummm, I make ceramics, I write, I illustrate, I create curriculum, I created a non-profit, I create operating systems, I make pie...once upon a time I made paintings, etc.), so I start saying things and everything turns into a muddy puddle and I feel like an embarrassed child and they then will segue into "I have an aunt who paints beautiful paintings of the sea, she is also an artist." This is why I instead wish someone would ask me "What do you want to change in the world or your life and how are you pursuing that?" I feel like then I can get into a good shared conversation...BUT...it occurred to me, that I can shift my response to this question by shifting my embarrassed child self out of the way and answering it more directly. So, this week I have spent time examining "what do I do" and looked at the larger arch of my life instead of the details and it is rather blaring--"I am a social change artist"--I create opportunities for transformation through a variety of forms and processes that include designing, building, curating projects, programs, and institutions. And my personal practice is signified by my writing and devotion to delight. (These are all sentences soon to be in my updated website! HURRAY! ) Something that has happened to me, or happens to me, is that I get stuck with over identifying with a detail of my work and suddenly I am no longer the person pursuing a quest, instead I am a person getting into the weeds of scheduling and I don't feel good and I think to myself, "I just want to quilt, that's all I want to do with my life now" Which there is nothing wrong with--but that's not true. What's true is that when that has happened I have lost sight of my larger questions, and I have made no time for myself to also quilt or just be curious...I need to pull back out and see my full self and re-harmonize the deeper inner self that needs nourishment but who gets forsaken at times in the hustle and bustle of the social.
Also, I think the other reason this questions brings out my embarrassed child self is because of fear of unworthiness and value judgements related to capitalism--but that is another long answer and something I'm healing. Which admittedly is difficult to heal when we live in a culture that shames people based on their incomes or lack of income and privileges the wealthy. May we all step out of this paradigm:) xo
Great stuff here. I especially like the insightful play on Quest-i-on, the relationship you draw between our questions and our quests, and the many good questions you raise. Any one of them can produce helpful self-revealing answers...and more clarifying questions. Thanks much!
Thanks Jerry! I suppose one of my quests/questions is "How to feel good enough in oneself to trust oneself daily for guidance for both small and large decisions." And this questions rubs with many others...such as "How do we honor our changing selves, which really are more like exoskeletons, while not over identifying with them as they come and go as our one self." ...and also, back to David Whyte..."be careful what you choose to do, it will become your life"
Hmm. I don't think we can trust ourselves without first loving ourselves (or in your words "...feel good enough in oneself"). Frankly, most of us humans have never been nurtured/taught to truly love ourselves (self-included)--and I mean unconditionally--rather, we've been taught to love according to our family's/culture's values...therefore, conditionally. This makes it virtually impossible to trust ourselves when we most need to, i.e. when we don't mesh or want to mesh with the culture in which we are immersed. (Remember the Star Trek's Borg..."It is futile to resist. You will be assimilated.")
Fortunately, consciousness/awareness/mindfulness/enlightenment makes it possible for us to break through the cultural powers that be, stop the replay of old scripts in our head and eventually love (and trust) ourselves...every effort on our part, no matter how small, in this direction improves the quality of our decision-making.--and therefore the quality of our lives. But we simply must consciously train ourselves to do this or nothing will change. As far as all this goes, I'm a work in progress! And that's great!!!
Sorry for the long-winded response. You got me on one of my favorite subjects: Knowing, loving and believing in ourselves.
*Martha Beck, that is, speaks of cultural cover stories
Yesterday, we had a little gathering at my house for sukkot. Some friends met for the first time. I said, “Try to guess what she does,” and one person took a long look at this other person and replied, “Hmmm, aerial yoga instructor?” “So close” I replied. She is actually a scribe by profession; she writes and repairs Torah scrolls. Then it became a game to guess whatever everyone did to earn their keep. This is a dreaded question for me, as I feel I have spent 20 years trying to make my outside match my inside. It’s true that I hate being asked, “What do you do?” But I actually love to ask the question. Martha talks about cultural cover stories and this is how I think of jobs and the way we talk about them. I am more interested in the tone of the response than the actual answer. really what I am asking is, how have you figured out how to do work in the world and does it match all the dreamy, changing, inner-workings happening inside of you? I am asking do you have an answer to this question and if so, what is your relation to the answer?
After I wrote last weeks post, I kept thinking about my visceral reaction to this question and my determination to knock it down. Currently, I am far away from my home. Anyone I meet asks this question after asking my name. I say sort of shyly "artist" then I watch them scan their minds and usually they follow up with "What do you make?" I stumble. I want to connect but I haven't had a simple answer on hand (ummm, I make ceramics, I write, I illustrate, I create curriculum, I created a non-profit, I create operating systems, I make pie...once upon a time I made paintings, etc.), so I start saying things and everything turns into a muddy puddle and I feel like an embarrassed child and they then will segue into "I have an aunt who paints beautiful paintings of the sea, she is also an artist." This is why I instead wish someone would ask me "What do you want to change in the world or your life and how are you pursuing that?" I feel like then I can get into a good shared conversation...BUT...it occurred to me, that I can shift my response to this question by shifting my embarrassed child self out of the way and answering it more directly. So, this week I have spent time examining "what do I do" and looked at the larger arch of my life instead of the details and it is rather blaring--"I am a social change artist"--I create opportunities for transformation through a variety of forms and processes that include designing, building, curating projects, programs, and institutions. And my personal practice is signified by my writing and devotion to delight. (These are all sentences soon to be in my updated website! HURRAY! ) Something that has happened to me, or happens to me, is that I get stuck with over identifying with a detail of my work and suddenly I am no longer the person pursuing a quest, instead I am a person getting into the weeds of scheduling and I don't feel good and I think to myself, "I just want to quilt, that's all I want to do with my life now" Which there is nothing wrong with--but that's not true. What's true is that when that has happened I have lost sight of my larger questions, and I have made no time for myself to also quilt or just be curious...I need to pull back out and see my full self and re-harmonize the deeper inner self that needs nourishment but who gets forsaken at times in the hustle and bustle of the social.
Also, I think the other reason this questions brings out my embarrassed child self is because of fear of unworthiness and value judgements related to capitalism--but that is another long answer and something I'm healing. Which admittedly is difficult to heal when we live in a culture that shames people based on their incomes or lack of income and privileges the wealthy. May we all step out of this paradigm:) xo
Great stuff here. I especially like the insightful play on Quest-i-on, the relationship you draw between our questions and our quests, and the many good questions you raise. Any one of them can produce helpful self-revealing answers...and more clarifying questions. Thanks much!
Thanks Jerry! I suppose one of my quests/questions is "How to feel good enough in oneself to trust oneself daily for guidance for both small and large decisions." And this questions rubs with many others...such as "How do we honor our changing selves, which really are more like exoskeletons, while not over identifying with them as they come and go as our one self." ...and also, back to David Whyte..."be careful what you choose to do, it will become your life"
Hmm. I don't think we can trust ourselves without first loving ourselves (or in your words "...feel good enough in oneself"). Frankly, most of us humans have never been nurtured/taught to truly love ourselves (self-included)--and I mean unconditionally--rather, we've been taught to love according to our family's/culture's values...therefore, conditionally. This makes it virtually impossible to trust ourselves when we most need to, i.e. when we don't mesh or want to mesh with the culture in which we are immersed. (Remember the Star Trek's Borg..."It is futile to resist. You will be assimilated.")
Fortunately, consciousness/awareness/mindfulness/enlightenment makes it possible for us to break through the cultural powers that be, stop the replay of old scripts in our head and eventually love (and trust) ourselves...every effort on our part, no matter how small, in this direction improves the quality of our decision-making.--and therefore the quality of our lives. But we simply must consciously train ourselves to do this or nothing will change. As far as all this goes, I'm a work in progress! And that's great!!!
Sorry for the long-winded response. You got me on one of my favorite subjects: Knowing, loving and believing in ourselves.
"Knowing, loving and believing in ourselves." My favorite subjects too:) And yes to everything above! More on these matters soon...