Good Morning Starlight,
On a rating of 1-10, how good are your apologies?Â
Have you ever experienced a good apology?Â
This week I learned the power of an apology akin to rain on a volcano.
……
A true story follows.
It’s 7:00am, and the temperature of my life has spiked with absurd awfulness.Â
I was taking an early morning walk, enjoying the dew and baby bunnies batting their eyelids at the sun. As I turned the corner from the golden fields to town, I saw a person I do not usually see: a former friendly neighbor. I had just learned from another friend that our children had something coming up in common.
Hi!Â
Hi!
How delightful to run into you! I wanted to connect with you. I am excited that our kids might be doing the same thing!
Amazing!
Do you have my number?Â
Let's put it into our phones!Â
I'll call you now so you have it.
Great, so good to see you and can't wait to catch up!
I walk away. A while down the road, I notice that the number has yet to be saved to my phone. I see a live and strange transcription typing as it goes. I realize the person is leaving me a voicemail. I listen to the voicemail.Â
Have you ever wondered what happens when you walk out of a room?Â
Two steps further down my morning path, I listen to someone with whom I have minimal relationship ridicule and trash talk my family to their colleague sitting next to them on their way to work.Â
Her husband…
Her child…
The transcription is golden, a Saturday night live skit, complete with exaggerated role-playing.
I was flabbergasted. Hysterical.Â
Lucky for me, I have the wisest little sister who I call on speed dial, SOS!!! This is both the funniest and most F'dridiculous thing!?! What do I do?
Stop. What would you do?Â
Nothing (no direct confrontation)
Pretend you don't careÂ
Feel forever resentful
Trash talk themÂ
Smile at them but hate them
Punish them
Publicly humiliate them
Say hurtful things to them
Fight them
Call them and screamÂ
Threaten them
Call them out directly
My sister and I burst into cry-laughter as I shared the audio with her. I double over on the sidewalk as she imitates the imitation my immigrant husband. We go back and forth about responses, and she helps me settle on a straight-to-the-point confrontation.
I would have preferred to leave the incident behind and walked home without saying anything. I argued that it didn't matter as I was guilty of my fair share of trash talk. It's human folly. For god's sake, gossip is a tool of survival. I didn’t want to deal with the confrontation. It won’t help anything or do anything I say.
Who likes confrontation?Â
Fingers text:
"Hi, you sent me a voice mail of your entire conversation with your colleague as I walked away from your car, YIKES!"
About thirty minutes later:
"You are a beautiful, honest, and a gentle soul, and I am caught having been unkind. I'm embarrassed and accountable. What a terrible experience for you to hear such cattiness. You deserve better and have never been anything but gracious to me. If you are willing to take a call, I will apologize in person."
WOW! Just WOW! I don't know what I expected in return, but it was not that.
Then what do you do?Â
Tell them not to worry about it, no biggie
Make a jab with a sarcastic remark
Not believe them
Again, my sister helped me with this one. "They were not defensive, and your reply should not be defensive either."
Fingers text:
"Thank you for your accountability."
A few hours later…
"I know you know this, but I said far more about myself this morning than I could have ever said about your family. I am ashamed and have learned a painful lesson."
WOW! Just WOW! My heart melted all over my feet.Â
Fingers text:
"I accept your apology and forgive you. In the future, we can share a laugh about this."
A few minutes later…
"That is very generous of you. I am not surprised by your graciousness. I want to give you as much room as possible and any reaction, including rejection of me. I am humbled and still feel ashamed of myself. I would love to laugh about this and any number of things with you in the future. I am very grateful for the lessons in humility and self-reflection that today taught me."
WOW! ME TOO!!!!
Friends! it can be like this! It really can!!! (All these exclamation marks are being counted purposefully!)
As far as I can remember, I have never experienced someone's accountability and apology for the hurt they caused me. In turn, I've lost the courage to confront people, as when I confronted people, I was met with denial, gaslighting, and defensiveness, which exacerbated my suffering. I also know that I can have difficulty easily acknowledging my mistakes. I lock into defensiveness, siding with my intent versus impact.
I see so clearly why we do this, roll into defensive armadillo balls and smash into one another like wrecking balls. If we haven't made mistakes and been met with love, or if we haven't said ouch and been met with love, we roll up to protect our tender hearts.
We all have tender hearts.Â
Yesterday's morning walk was a new path forward.Â
A simple magical outline for remedying mistakes in relationships.Â
OUCH (something hurts you)
Let the person know–speak plainly the truth. This happened, OUCH!
The other person acknowledges the ouch without defensiveness and apologizes. OOPS!
Thank them for acknowledging the OUCH.Â
Two tender hearts stretch towards one another, touching each other softly.Â
Ta-dah, fucking magic!
Touching Matters
Save the date! I will be sharing my most recent ceramic collection at Alder & Co in Hudson, NY, on June 15th from 5 to 7 p.m. The collection will be in store (442 Warren st) through the summer.Â
Wow wow wow this story. Filing it away for any apologies I have to make in the future. Whew.
I got so nervous reading this story. I think if i were in your shoes I would’ve chosen the option to say nothing and just silently write that person off. I’m not saying it’s the better option, only the one I would’ve taken out of fear. It was brave of you to confront that person- simply, directly. Amazing how the unknown character in the story suddenly became 3 dimensional and complicated with her response of true apology and shame. Amazing how the way the interaction unfolded between you has actually established more of a relationship, a history, a shared experience. I have been reading Tara Brach’s Radical Acceptance. If I can learn/live this concept more often, then I can be open to all the oops/ouch/repair without having to do the armadillo-ball thing that I have been known to do. Tender hearts, indeed.